The Hulkster Hulk Hogan (CS002)

This was the second of the original Collector’s Series that included just 3 tapes so this shouldn’t take too long. HULKAMANIA 1 was already in stores so this tape was probably just trying to milk the name for as much as it was worth. We open the tape with just a Coliseum Video graphic, no opening montage. Vince McMahon in a red bowtie shills the action but making an error saying this was the first tape of the Collector’s Series (WWF’s Greatest Matches holds that honor) but no matter. Vince says at the time of this program, Hogan has been the reigning champion for over two years meaning this tape was released sometime in 1986. He says Hogan has defended the title in no less than 25 occasions, which is hogwash. Hulk as the champion would headline every card he’d appear on so he must have defended the belt at least 500 times at the time. Vince says you’ll see three title defenses as well as the match he won the title in against the Iron Sheik. Let’s get to the action.

Match 1

Brutus Beefcake (with Luscious Johnny V) vs Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight Championship

Commentators: Dick Graham and Gorilla Monsoon

Heh, these two would be buddies for years and years after this so its kind of shocking to see them go at it. This match was from February 16, 1985 in the Philadelphia Spectrum a month before the first Wrestlemania and a year into Hogan’s title reign. Brutus is wearing black and yellow lightning bolt tights and leopard print arm bands with Hogan in his standard yellow trunks. Hogan attacks Beefcake after Brutus takes too long to start with a right hand. Hogan atomic drops Brutus into the corner and he staggers out of the ring. Dick wins the David Crockett award for annoyance a minute into the match because all he does is whoop and holler after every move. Brutus regroups with Johnny V outside before sliding back in. They circle before Beefcake gets the upper hand on a tie up and shoves Hogan into the corner. Beefcake poses for the crowd while Dick calls Hogan “the Hulker”. Hogan goes to tie up but Beefcake struts away. They go to tie up again only this time they both strut away and Beefcake is irate. The crowd cheers when Hogan poses and Brutus charges only to be rammed headfirst into to the buckle. Hogan unloads with four left jabs and a windup roundhouse right. Hogan whips Beefcake into the corner and nails him with a back elbow smash. Hogan whips him off the ropes and floors Brutus with a running clothesline. Hogan drops the big…elbow then gets up to pose. Hogan bites Beefcake on the temple as Monsoon says he learned it from the Junkyard Dog. Hogan gets in a side headlock but Beefcake backs him into the corner and catches him off guard with a shoulderblock. Beefcake unloads with right hands and a forearm to the back. Monsoon says to watch for the high knee as Beefcake comes off the second rope with an axehandle smash that quiets the crowd. Beefcake drops another forearm but Hulk no sells. Beefcake goes to ram Hulk into the corner but he blocks it. Hulk rams Beefcake into the corner 10 times and Brutus flops to the ground. Hogan scoop slams Brutus and drops two elbows. Hogan picks up Beefcake, nails him with two right hands and gets reverse whipped into the corner. Beefcake levels Hogan with a big axehandle in the corner then stands on his head using the ropes for leverage. Brutus chokes Hulk on the second rope then rakes the eyes. Brutus chokes Hulk on the second rope then covers for 1….2….kicked out. Brutus delivers another axehandle to the back before going back to the blatant choke. He covers for a near fall as Gorilla says he’s not going to win the title that way. Brutus delivers a powerslam and covers for 1..2…nope, gotta hook the leg. Brutus drops a knee, a forearm and an elbow before another sloppy cover gets 1…2…HULK UP!!! You know the drill….no sell punches, right hand, right hand, right hand, whip, big boot, scoop slam, leg drop, cover. Oh wait, Johnny V gets on the apron. Hulk chases him off and grabs him by the collar only for Brutus to hit the high knee to the back. Brutus covers for 1….2..no, Hulk gets the leg under the bottom rope. Johnny and Brutus think they’ve won it so Johnny grabs the belt as Brutus celebrates in the ring. Beefcake and Johnny try to put the belt on as referee Joey Morella tells them no no no! Finally Hogan runs up, schoolboys Brutus for 1..2….3 and its over. Hogan is attacked by Beefcake and Brutus until he ducks and Brutus nails Johnny with a big forearm. Hulk rams their heads together. We cut there and thank God, I was sick of Dick whooping and screaming after every move. The one thing I’ll give credit to Vince for, for the most part he stayed away from whooping announcers in the David Crockett mold in favor of the articulate announcers like Gorilla and Jesse or Gorilla and Heenan. Bad match but what do you expect from Hulk and Beefcake?
Time of match: 10:40

Winner: Hulk Hogan by pinfall
We go back to December 1983 to a highlight of the Iron Sheik defeating 5 year champion (if you don’t count his loss to Antonio Inoki in Japan) Bob Backlund for the title to show how Sheik won it…..only to have Hogan take it away. It was a landmark match because of the fact that Backlund had it for 5 YEARS, think 6 months is too long to draw, try having it for half a decade. Vince knew Verne Gagne had dropped the ball in the AWA because he was too stubborn to deal with the growing ego of Hogan, but Vince was a smart business man. He knew that whatever he was going to take in based on the proceeds of Hogan being champion was going to be a hell of a lot more than Hogan was going to garner himself. While Verne frowned upon Hogan’s merchandise sales and Japanese tours, Vince thrived on it and would push other wrestlers to go on foreign tours to promote the product. Even though it was a group effort, one man was the key for Vince’s army….Hogan. The match we’re about to see has been replayed thousands of times and we’re about to take one more look at it.

Match 2

Hulk Hogan vs The Iron Sheik (with Ayatollah Blassie) for the WWF Heavyweight Championship

Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon and Pat Patterson
This is just a repost from HULKAMANIA 1. The match that started it all, the true dawning of Hulkamania in the national spotlight. This match came about when Bob Backlund was dethroned on December 26, 1983 by the Sheik. Rather than get his deserved rematch, Backlund brought out old Freddie Blassie crony Hulk Hogan. Hogan said he had denounced Blassie and was totally reformed, his mission was to destroy the Sheik and bring the belt back to the good guys. On January 23, 1984 Hogan met Sheik for the title in Madison Square Garden. Hogan crosses himself on his way out to the ring and guess who’s holding the curtain for him, 69 year old Vince McMahon Sr, dying of pancreatic cancer but fighting it long enough to see Hulkamania take off. If you pause your tape/dvd/etc to see that image, it’s an iconic one. The changing of the guard if you will. The regional territory era of Vince Sr is going by the wayside as Hulkamania was about to sweep the nation. It’s a shame the old man died when he did, he would have loved to have seen some of the gigantic crowds his son was about to draw. Sheik’s got the red trunks on. Hogan’s wearing his standard yellow trunks and a red t-shirt that says American Made on the front and Hulk-A-Mania on the back. After the introductions, Sheik turns to take his ring gear off but Hulk PEARL HARBOR’S him because he’s such a role model. Hogan sends Sheik into the corner with his robe still on and delivers an elbow smash. Hulk strangles Sheik with his own robe then sends him off and clotheslines him with the robe. The ref finally gets the robe away from Hogan. Hulk unloads in the corner then delivers a running clothesline. Hulk drops a knee to the throat, rakes the eyes and chokes him over his head. Hogan spits at Sheik and delivers the big boot. Hulk covers but the referee takes forever to get over there and Sheik kicks out at 1. Hogan drops Sheik with a running elbow then drops another elbow. Patterson goes crazy but the cover only gets 2. Hogan whips Sheik into the corner but misses a charge. Sheik finally gets an offensive move in 3 minutes into the match by stomping away at the Hulk. Hulk staggers to his feet and Sheik executes a backbreaker. Sheik covers but Hogan powers out at 2. Sheik goes back to work with boots to the chest then “loads up the boot”. Another boot leads to a Boston crab applied by the Sheik. Monsoon scoffs at the referee for being out of position but Hogan powers out of the hold. Pat wonders when Sheik will go for the camel clutch as he delivers a well executed gut-wrench suplex on Hogan. Another cover 1…2 and no. Sheik goes back to the boots to the kidney then locks in the camel clutch. Patterson says no one’s ever broken the hold as Monsoon says this is what did in Backlund a month earlier. Monsoon “Only the immense power of the Hulk can save him!” Hogan begins to Hulk Up and soon powers his way to his knees. Hogan stands up with Sheik on his back and rams him back in the corner. Sheik falls like a dead deer in the center of the ring. The crowd goes wild and Hogan drops the big leg! The cover gets 1…2…3 AND WE GOT A NEW CHAMPION! Madison Square Garden goes crazy as Hulkamania takes over New York City. Monsoon “History made in Madison Square Garden! Hulkamania….is here.” He wasn’t kidding, folks. Hogan kisses the belt (the same won worn by Backlund a month earlier before Sheik won it) as Fink announces Hogan the winner and new champ. Now Vince had his larger than life champion and the road to dominance was about to begin.

Time of match: 5:34

Winner: Hulk Hogan by pinfall (new WWF Champion)
Its only natural to re-visit the postmatch celebration in the locker room with Hogan ranting and raving to “Mean” Gene Okerlund. Hulk says he’d bring the belt back to the USA and he continues to rant saying the belt is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and its part of Mean Gene now too. Andre the Giant from out of nowhere pops the cork on a champagne bottle and douses Hogan with it. Andre shakes Hogan’s hand, says he’s proud of him and says something else in his broken English when Ivan Putski pops open another bottle and douses Hogan with it. Ivan “Hey I’m proud of ya Jack” as Gene says “Its super Monday at the Garden” and then HE gets doused from behind by Rocky Johnson. We cut the celebration there and skip forward to Gene interviewing Hulk with his parents, Pete (dad) on his right and Ruth (mom) on his left. His mom says her son is dedicated, he’s wonderful for the sport and its wonderful for him. Gene interviews his dad next and Pete says he’s proud of him and speaks softly until Hulk rants and raves at the top of his lungs. His father looks annoyed as his mother starts laughing. Gene signs off and we cut here. Talk about a party, the true dawning of Hulkamania and the beginning of the national takeover by Vince Jr. We go right to the next match.
Match 3

The Iron Sheik (With “Ayatollah” Blassie) vs Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight Championship)

Commentators: Dick Graham and Alfred Hays
After Hogan defeated the Sheik and Hulkamania took off, a re-match for the title was inevitable and this match was from May 5, 1984 at the Philadelphia Spectrum. We join the match already in progress as Hogan is wearing blue tights, not his standard yellow trunks with the Sheik in green. He boots Hulk in the throat then loads up the boot. Sheik rams Hulk head first into the boot and delivers a forearm to the head. We get a TAPE EDIT and Sheik taunts Hogan. Sheik goes for a snap suplex but is blocked and Hulk delivers one of his own. Referee Dick Woehrle checks Hogan who’s busted wide open as Dick whoops again. Sheik goes after the open wound but Hulk no sells a series of punches. Hulk lands two right hands, grab Sheik by the handlebar mustache and delivers a windup roundhouse right. Hulk scoop slams Sheik and drops the big leg but doesn’t cover. Hogan says he’s going to make Sheik pay so he undoes the left boot of Sheik. Hulk nails Sheik a few times but still can’t get it off. Hulk rakes the eyes and finally gets the boot off. Hulk caters to the cheering crowd and loads up the boot. Sheik bails but Hogan follows him and waffles him with the boot. Sheik blades on camera but we get a TAPE EDIT and the next shot we see is both Woehrle and Sheik flat on their asses with Hogan ramming the boot into the bloody head of Sheik. A host of jobbers hit the ring to pry Hulk off Sheik as he retreats to the back leaving Hulk to stand tall. Ring announcer Mel Phillips announces it was a double-count out and Hulk is irate. He keeps the belt so its all good. I wish I could have seen the full match because it had the intensity of a grudge match not usually seen on Coliseum Video. Did I just say that? Oh wow.

Time of match: Joined in progress (an unofficial 3:53, the actual match was 14:18)

Winner: No one (Double Count-Out)

Onto the final match with no interviews or hoopla.
Match 4

Don “The Magnificent” Muraco (with Mr. Fuji) vs Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight Championship in a Steel Cage Match

Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon and “Mean” Gene Okerlund
This match was from June 21, 1985 at Madison square Garden and Vince overdubs saying this is the rubber match in the series (Muraco won the first match by count-out, Hogan took a re-match at Madison Square Garden by DQ, already covered in GRUDGE MATCHES) and there must be a winner here. Hogan enters the cage wearing the white tights with Muraco in his standard gear. Hogan tosses his bandana and shirt outside before throwing the belt at Muraco. Don goes to whip Hogan with the belt but Hulk ducks under and unloads on him with right hands. The bell rings and Hulk goes to nail Muraco with the belt but Don slides out of the way. The ref gets the belt out of the ring and slams the door as now it’s just one on one. Muraco knees Hogan and attempts to throw him into the cage, but Hulk blocks it. Hulk taunts Don and they circle again. Hulk fakes a tie up before kicking Muraco in the ribs and tries to send him into the cage. Don resists, Hulk rakes the eyes and whips him into the corner. Hulk unloads with a right hand but Don blocks another cage ram attempt. Muraco mulekicks Hogan in the gonads and stomps away at him. Don drops Hogan with a kneelift then continues to kick away. The crowd chants for Hogan as Muraco floors Hogan with another right hand. Muraco drops an elbow to the gonads which is all legal in this match. Muraco goes for the door but Hulk cuts him off with right hands. Muraco gets a thumb to the eye as Mean Gene says the winner is over the top or out the door, no pinfalls or submission. Muraco pounds on Hogan who HULKS UP!!  Rather than the usual head punches, Hogan nails Muraco with two bell-ringers, a whip, a clothesline and a big elbow drop. Hogan bites Muraco on the temple then headbutts him. Hulk torpedoes Muraco head first into the cage. Gorilla “Hulkster ramrodding Muraco into the steel cage!” Take away ‘into the steel cage’ and that doesn’t sound good at all. Muraco is busted wide open as Hulk torpedoes him into the cage again. Don staggers to his feet and Hulk greets him with a series of right hands. Hulk goes for the big clothesline but Muraco catches him and sends him head first into the cage. Muraco slingshots Hogan into the cage as Monsoon points out no one’s tried to leave the cage over the top. Hulk blades and right on cue Muraco goes for the top. He gets halfwayout but Hogan grabs him by the tights. Hulk rams Muraco into the top of the cage before we get a TAPE EDIT. Muraco drops Hogan with an elbow as both men are bloody messes. Monsoon says we got 28 grand in the house tonight which is BS. Muraco lands a right hand but Hogan ducks under another. Muraco runs right into the big boot that sends him through the ropes, getting his head stuck. Muraco unties himself and makes a leap to stop Hogan from leaving the cage. Hogan stomps at Muraco, drops him with a big right hand and exits the cage to win the match. We cut right then and there to the end of the tape. Decent cage match with both guys getting bloody. That’s two straight bloodbaths on this tape, very edgy for the time period.

Time of match: Clipped

Winner: Hulk Hogan
The credits roll with the Rock N Wrestling theme instead of the usual orchestral piece. We then get a montage with the Coliseum Video theme (where was that in the beginning?) for every Coliseum Video that was out at the time. The last one they highlighted was BEST OF THE WWF VOLUME 6 so I placed the Collector’s Series after those ones. As for this, I kind of liked this tape, standard mid 80’s action and it was kept short and sweet. It was only packaged as a collector’s Item so no sense blasting it for lack of matches. This was mostly pre-Wrestlemania stuff so it’s more valuable for its historical purpose than it is for the matches themselves. I give it 3 stars out of 5. One point off because Dick Graham is annoying and another off because they cut up the best match on the tape (the Spectrum bloodbath with the Sheik) and kept the worst one in its entirety (Beefcake). This was actually the second tape of the short lived Collector’s Series and the last one is next: HIGHLIGHTS OF WRESTLEMANIA.

Best of the WWF Volume 6 (WF020)

We’ve made it to Volume 6 of the Best of series and hopefully now we can stay in the present. After RICKY THE DRAGON STEAMBOAT was somewhat of a disappointment, there’s nowhere to go but up. We will see Hogan vs Savage and that’s always entertaining. But will these be the BEST matches? Let’s find out. Cue the 1985 Opening and Gorilla Monsoon is our host today. He says we’re going to see Ricky Steamboat, Jesse Ventura, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Ivan Putski, Johnny Valiant, Lanny Poffo, Terry Funk, midgets and more! Monsoon tells the fans to keep writing so they can provide the very best.
Match 1

“Leaping” Lanny Poffo vs Terry Funk

Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon and Alfred Hays

Always nice to see Lanny in action, I always loved how not once did they ever mention he was the Macho Man’s brother in their respective runs. This match is from July 13, 1985 in Madison Square Garden. Once again, we’re going back to the past. Terry is by himself with no Hart in the red tights and Lanny in the silver. Before the match starts Funk beats up Mel Phillips on the outside before getting in the ring. They lock up and Alfred says Terry’s never been beaten in a bar room brawl. Terry gets the upper hand with right hands before he ducks under a leapfrog. Lanny goes for a move but Terry catches himself and falls into the ropes, causing the crowd to chuckle. Funk goes to work with knife edged chops and a left hand. A headbutt staggers both men before an elbow rocks Poffo. Lanny reverses an irish whip and Funk falls into the ropes again. Lanny caters to the crowd as Funk bails and shouts at the cameraman. Lanny and Funk reverse arm bars before Lanny back flips on his feet and locks in an arm wringer. Lanny gets the foot up on the shoulder for leverage. Funk then slips the leg in and falls backwards, causing Lanny to topple over the top to the floor. Funk screams at the fans and kicks at Poffo. Some guy in a corncob pipe slides Lanny back in the ring. Back inside Terry goes for an atomic drop but Lanny reverses it into one of his own. Funk staggers and bails through the ropes and to the outside. Back inside Funk slaps the chest of Lanny in the corner then rallies with left hands. A series of boxing jabs staggers Lanny as Monsoon bitches at the ref about the closed fists. A headbutt by Funk drops Lanny then goes for the figure four. Lanny powers out of it but eats axehandles to the back. Left elbows in the corner is met with a crescent kick and right hand from Lanny. Poffo wobbles Funk with a series of right hands. Lanny kicks away in the corner but two headbutts stop the momentum. Lanny bounces off the ropes and floors Lanny with a shoulderblock but falls through the ropes again. Terry goes to suplex Lanny to the floor and does, but Lanny wisely landed feet first before he fell. No way was he taking a bump on the cement floor. Funk goes outside and doggie headbutts Poffo before going back in and posing for the irate crowd. Some clown in the crowd says “I’m on tv mom!” as Funk suplexes Lanny back in the ring from the apron. Funk covers for 1….2…negative. Funk pushes the referee who gets in his face and threatens a disqualification. Funk then hits the Rude Awakening years before it was called that then covers for 1…2…no. Lanny hits a sunset flip out of nowhere for a long 2 count and the bell inadvertently rings. Lanny goes to town in the corner and whips Terry who Flair flips in the corner. Lanny kicks him over the top to the apron then snap mares him back in. A scoop slam is a set up for the second rope moonsault which was Lanny’s finisher. He hits it and covers 1…2…nope, didn’t hook the leg. Funk and Poffo trade blows before Terry gets the upper hand. Lanny reverses an irish whip before a frankensteiner stuns Funk, the cover gets 1…2..no. Funk recovers, whips Lanny off and locks in a sleeper hold right in the center of the ring. The fans cheer for Poffo who gets to his feet only for Terry to trip him up again. The ref checks Lanny and calls for the bell. He didn’t submit but the ref called the match for safety. Terry gets the branding iron and brands Lanny on the chest, luckily its not hot so all it leaves is ash. That was a great match that showcased the wily veteran slipping by the hot youngster. Did it belong on a tape like this? Anytime Terry Funk is on a WWF tape is a good thing, so yes.
Time of match: 13:06

Winner: Terry Funk by submission

Next up is the Mega Powers explodeeeeeeeee……3 ½ years early.

Match 2

“Macho Man” Randy Savage (with Miss Elizabeth) vs Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight Championship

Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon and Alfred Hays

This match is from December 30, 1985 in Madison Square Garden. Hogan comes out to Real American for the first time in Coliseum Video history and is in the yellow tights. Savage is in the neon pink tights for this one. Hogan and Savage tie up and Hogan throws him to the ground. Savage gets a headlock in but is whipped off and shoulderblocked. Hogan chases Savage out of the ring and follows him to the floor. Savage gets Elizabeth to safety as Hogan taunts from the outside. Savage tosses a chair to the ring and Alfred says that accomplished nothing. They tie up and Savage gets a thumb to the eye and a snap mare. A knee drop stuns the champ and Hogan fakes Savage out. Savage went to jump on Hogan on the rope, but Hulk moved and Savage crashed to the mat. Hogan hits two right hands that send Savage into the corner. Hogan whips Savage into the other corner and clotheslines him down. Hogan hits an atomic drop that sends Savage through the ropes and to the outside. Hogan goes to attack Savage but Randy pulls Elizabeth in front of him. The crowd and Monsoon scoff as Hogan gets back in and demands Savage join him. Randy recovers and snap mares him. He goes upstairs but Hogan catches Randy mid-air and delivers a backbreaker. Savage bails and Hogan follows, then Randy pulls Elizabeth in front of him again. Savage tells the camera man to get lost before shouting at the irate crowd. Hogan nails Savage from behind and throws him into the ring. Savage alertly catches the champ with a knee then quickly goes upstairs and hits and axehandle. Savage covers for 1…2…nope. Savage throws Hogan to the outside then goes up to the top. An axehandle smash on the cement floor connects and Hogan is stunned. Savage slides in to break the count as Savage continues to go to work on the outside. Back inside Savage stomps away at the Hulkster then rallies with kicks and elbows. Another cover gets a 1, try hooking the leg! Hogan then Hulks Up and no-sells Savage’s punches. Hogan clotheslines Savage then stomps on his head. Hogan whips Randy off and big boots him to the outside. Hulk follows to the outside and Elizabeth stands over him. Hulk picks her up and throws her into the crowd….just kidding. He gently places her out of the way and throws Randy back inside. Randy is whipped off the ropes but gets a boot to the head. Randy goes for the flying elbow and HITS IT!!! He covers for 1……2….NOOOOOOO. Savage thinks he’s won it but the referee says no way. Savage turns around, sees Hogan coming and ducks, causing Hogan to clothesline Dick Kroll. Kroll is knocked goofy and Savage nails Hogan to the floor. Randy grabs the title belt and axehandles Hogan with it. Back inside Savage picks Kroll up and has him count Hulk out….IDIOT! You can’t win the title that way. Sure enough, the ref completes the count and Savage wins the match. Hulk is busted wide open as Elizabeth straps the belt around Savage. Fink gets in the ring and announces Savage the winner…..but….Hogan is still the champion. Savage goes berserk and knocks out Dick Kroll, then carries Elizabeth to the back…before Hogan stops him. Hogan nails Randy then picks him up in a fireman’s carry. Hogan rallies with right hands then clotheslines the Macho Man. Hulk picks his belt up and taunts Savage much to the crowd’s delight. Hogan whips Randy off but swings and misses with the belt. Savage beats a hasty to retreat as someone in the crowd holds up a Hogan Halloween mask. Monsoon says Hulk is guts personified. That was a great match with absolutely no rest holds. Did it belong on a tape like this? HELL YEAH! This was just a taste of things to come when these two would main event Wrestlemania 5.

Time of match: 10 minutes

Winner: Randy Savage by count-out (Hogan retains)

We go from two great matches to T.N.T. with Jesse Ventura with Alfred Hays hosting. Alfred opens a WWF Magazine and asks Ventura who’s better, him or Corporal Kirchner. Jesse “I was a former Navy Seal and we called those army guys ‘pukes’. Anyone who’s been in the military knows Navy Seals run circles around those pukes.” We go to Vince in the crowd with Robert Reid (no not the Houston Rockets player) who asks where Ventura got his ridiculous costumes. Ventura nonchalantly answers that its not a costume, its how he dresses. “One set of my clothes could probably buy your car.” Next up is Roger Korman (no not the famous movie director) and he wants to know if Rachel Ward is jealous of Miss Elizabeth being Jesse’s sidepiece. Jesse says there’s nothing going on between him and Elizabeth and Ward is old news. Finally an older man in a business suit named Phil Burke who’s nervous because Jesse is his favorite. He then babbles a question that’s too advanced for Jesse and Jesse says he can’t understand what he’s saying. We cut here thankfully. That looked to be heading in a funny direction and it was killed dead. No idea why this is on the tape other than to showcase Jesse. Next up is the midgets…..oh shit.

Match 3

Butch Cassidy vs The Haiti Kid

Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon and Alfred Hays

Just what we needed, a midget match on a ‘best of’ tape. This better be good. This was on the December 30, 1985 Madison Square Garden undercard of Savage vs Hogan from earlier because you can see the exact same fans in the exact same spots. Haiti Kid is in the black trunks and Butch in ridiculous looking polka dotted long tights. At least Cassidy is well built. If he was 8 inches taller he could give Rey Mysterio Jr a run for his money. Monsoon says he’s almost as tall as referee Gil Roman. Haiti Kid chases Butch to the apron as Monsoon says midget matches were his favorite. He lists off Sky Low Low (of BLOOPERS, BLEEPS AND BODYSLAMS), Fuzzy Cupid, Lord Littlebrook (who would make an appearance 2 years later) and Little Beaver (of BIGGEST, SMALLEST, STRANGEST, STRONGEST). They tie up and Haiti Kid makes a clean break on the ropes. Butch backs Haiti in the ropes and clean breaks. Kid armdrags Cassidy twice and he complains about the tights pull. Kid gets in a headlock, Butch whips him off and eats a shoulder block. Kid bounces off the ropes, jumps over a confused Butch and scoop slams him. Butch eats two arm drags and locks in an arm bar. Monsoon says on his knees, Butch is as tall as Haiti Kid and if he grew any taller he’d be out of a job. Butch sends Kid off the ropes, leapfrogs over him but Kid reverses an arm drag. A backdrop stuns Cassidy and a standing dropkick sends Butch to his knees. Butch begs off and Haiti Kid rolls him up…and the ref doesn’t bother to count. Kid holds him for a good 10 seconds and Gil still doesn’t bother to make a count. Finally Cassidy lays flat on his back and Roman counts 1 before Kid pulls him up by the legs and midget spins him. Kid snaps the nose 3 stooges style and floors him with a right hand. Then they do the “one midget gets pinned, other one pushes him off into the ref’s arms and he drops him back on top” routine. Kid pushes the referee as everyone howls with laughter. Even Cassidy gives him a shove for good measure. Monsoon says Cassidy and Roman would make a good match. Butch takes Kid down with a go behind, Kid sits out, turns in and escapes. Monsoon asks if you can imagine being a high school wrestling coach with a 99 pound wrestler as a freshman who was still 99 as a senior? I’ve seen it happen. Cassidy wins a test of strength and goes to stomp on the hands, but Kid pulls them back in time, double stomps the feet of Cassidy who lands flat on his ass. Kid motions he’s going to kick Cassidy in the gonads but instead slingshots him across the ring. A series of chops send Cassidy into the second rope. Kid whips him off, nails him with a double chop, drops an elbow and covers for 1,….2….negative. Kid rams Cassidy into the second turnbuckle. Kid goes to town on Cassidy before nailing him with his finisher, the headbutt. He covers and gets the 1…2…NO. Cassidy slipped his arm through. Butch begs off and goes for a handshake only for Kid to bite him on the hand. Cassidy responds with an eye gouge and an elbow to the head. He rams Haiti Kid’s head into the buckle who no sells it and taunts Cassidy. A headbutt staggers Cassidy and two more stun him, A dropkick connects and Kid makes the cover 1….2..no, foot on the rope. Cassidy calls for time as Monsoon scoffs. Back inside Cassidy works over Kid in the corner, whips him to the other corner and hits a knee to the ribs. An elbow to the head is followed by a reversal of a whip by Kid and a backdrop, sending Cassidy on his back. Three chops drop Cassidy but a sloppy cover only gets two. Kid executes a swinging neckbreaker as someone in the crowd shouts to put him in a piledriver. An eye rake stops Kid’s momentum. Cassidy whips him off and executes a beautiful dropkick then an equally impressive snap suplex. Cassidy covers for 1…..2….nope. A gassed Cassidy scoop slams Kid and covers for a two count, forgot to hook the leg. Cassidy gets him up and executes a reverse shoulderbreaker. That should have done it but he has no gas left. A criss cross ends with Kid putting Cassidy in an airplane spin. Both men are staggering around but Kid recovers enough to shoulderblock Cassidy to the ground. Kid bounces off the ropes and Cassidy goes for the drop down but the alert Kid gets the feet in position and Little Louie rolls Cassidy for the 1..2…..3 and its over. WOW! I’m shocked…stunned! That was a good midget match. Yes it had some silly tactics but it wasn’t over the top silly and the guys actually put on a decent story. Does it belong on a tape like this, well this was probably the best midget match I ever saw so YES!

Time of match: 10:32

Winner: Haiti Kid by pinfall

We go back to the archives for the next match.

Match 4

Ivan Putski vs “Luscious” Johnny Valiant (with Captain Lou Albano)

Commentator: Vince McMahon

September 24, 1979 at Madison Square Garden saw a non-roided Putski take on Johnny in singles action. The Valiant’s were the reigning tag team champions and ironically it would be Putski and Tito Santana that would have the next title shot a month later. Johnny is in the long blue tights with white stars on them and Putski is in the black trunks. They announce Putski as undefeated and the guy’s thighs are enormous. This look NOTHING like the Hulkamania Putski we’d later see. Referee Terry Terranova has a problem getting Putski back to start the match and of course Lou Albano doesn’t help matters. Putski stalks Albano across the ring until Valiant attacks from behind with forearms. The bell rings and Valiant rakes the eyes. Valiant contines to work with boots to the gut who Putski no-sells. Headlock punches has the ref ticked about the open fist. More punches are no sold as Putski begins to get mad. Putski then goes wild with right hands until Valiant bails to the apron. Putski turns his back for one second and Valiant goes back to work with throat chops. Valiant pounds away as the crowd tries to rev up Putski. Ivan gets in a side headlock and two punches stun Valiant. Johnny goes down and begs off as Ivan stomps away. A Headlock has the crowd roaring and 3 headlocked punches has Johnny stunned. A big headbutt as Valiant staggering into the corner and Putski rams his own head into the buckle to psych himself up. Valiant drops to his knees and wants a handshake, Putski will have none of it. The crowd says no and on cue Putski drops Valiant with a right hand. Valiant sells it tremendously and Putski hip tosses Valiant halfway across the ring. Ivan whips Johnny off and backdrops him to the center of the ring. Valiant begs off again but gets the eye gouge in. More punches rock Ivan until he whips Johnny off the ropes. Ivan drops down twice before nailing Valiant with THE POLISH HAMMERRRRR….right in the chest. The crowd roars as Putski hits an aftershock splash for 1….2….3 its over. Madison Square Garden roars as Putski remains undefeated. Valiant retreats as we go to the replay to see Putski wallop Valiant with the Polish Hammer. Vince “Lusicous Johnny is not so luscious anymore”.  As a catch as catch can match, that was the drizziling shits. In terms of entertainment, selling and storytelling, that was a fun 4 minutes. The crowd was into it and everyone wanted to see the hammer, and they got it. Valiant was an average wrestler but he could talk, which is how he made the transition to manager. Does this match belong on a tape like this? Usually no but its for nostalgia purposes.
Time of match: 4:31

Winner: Ivan Putski by pinfall
Remember Freddie Blassie, Bobby Heenan and Lou Albano giving love advice on T.N.T.? Now its Lord Alfred Hays’ turn. I swear TNT was a god awful abomination but it got more play on these tapes than Championship Wrestling. All-Star Wrestling and almost every other program in syndication. We only have about 20 minutes of tape left so hopefully this will be quick and painless. Alfred is in his standard tux while Vince is in a dress shirt and dress pants. He asks Alfred what the difference is between English love and American love. Alfred says the gentlemen needs to hold hands while wearing gloves on the first date. He says on a second date you could go for a stroll in the park and kissing on the cheek could be too much action. Vince wants some action and says to jump to the 5^th date. Alfred says on the 5^th date you hug her but no kissy kissy. Vince “We’re getting nowhere fast here. How long would it take to become intimate!” Alfred  “Well on a normal courtship, I’d say about 5 to 6 months you’d finally get a kiss on the lips.” Vince pauses to milk the crowd’s laughter than says “Thank you for joining us. We’ll be back after this.”  Well that was funny but not in the classic sense. Alfred really did sound serious while Vince really was looking for some down and dirty action. Good news was the segment was short, but it sure as hell doesn’t belong on this kind of tape. Save it for something else. Anyway, onto the final match.
Match 5

Ricky Steamboat vs “Cowboy” Bob Orton

Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon and Gene Okerlund
Well at least we’ll end the tape with a great match since everything Ricky did in the 80’s usually was great. Actually this is the exact same match featured on BEST OF THE WWF VOLUME 3 only without some of the edits so I’ll just re-post. Orton’s in the green trunks with Steamboat in the black, plus Orton still has the cast on. Orton comes off the ropes and narrowly avoids a karate kick. Orton bails to the outside and complains to the ref before slowly making his way back to the ring. Steamboat gives Orton crap about the cast on his arm before the tie up. Steamboat eats a shoulderblock but leapfrogs Orton and armdrags him. Steamboat wrenches the “injured” arm and does a number on it. Ricky whips Orton into the corner and chops him. Orton falls and Ricky continues to work over the left shoulder. Orton begs off but Steamboat shakes his head nooooo. Orton tries to bail but Ricky drags him back into the ring via the top rope. Steamboat goes back to the arm wringer, blocks a punch and continues to go to town on him. Steamboat wrenches the hammerlock with his FEET and falls backward twice. Ricky continues to work the arm with a kneedrop. Orton recovers and catches Ricky with a boot to the ribs. Ricky reverses a whip but Orton baseball slides right into a big chop from the future Dragon. Another armdrag takes Orton down as Okerlund says we’re witnessing something special. Ricky has the arm-bar locked in but Bob counters with a scoop slam. Ricky quickly recovers and scoop slams Orton. ANOTHER arm drag has the crowd popping. Monsoon shills the action until Orton gets to his feet. He tries a hiptoss but Ricky blocks it. Orton finally powers out of an arm-bar with a headbutt in the corner. A big forearm is followed by hiptossing Steamboat halfway across the ring. Orton executes a flying head scissors but the second attempted misses and he flails over the top rope to the floor. Orton grabs a fan’s drink and throws it at Steamboat who sells it like he had acid thrown on him. Orton goes on offense as Okerlund says the fan must be pissed without actually saying that. A big punch is followed by ramming Ricky’s head into the buckle. Orton lands another big right and follows it with a facebuster. A knee lift drops Ricky as Orton poses for the crowd and gets a decent pop actually. Orton still sells the arm wringers from earlier (a lost art today) but still catches Steamboat with a right hand. Orton applies a neck wrench and takes Steamboat to his knees with it. Orton snaps the neck then drops an elbow to the throat, but the cover only gets a two. Orton applies a rest-hold and goes to drop the cast on Ricky….but he moves out of the way in time. Orton sells the left arm and Ricky catches him with a chop. Ricky goes for the scoop slam but collapses with Orton on top 1…2..noooo, too close. Orton goes back to the standing chinlock then slams him down. Think of a rock bottom but without going underneath the arm. Orton covers for a deuce then shouts at the crowd “I came this close” and poses. Okerlund says that means nothing and Orton methodically stalks Ricky. They trade blows in the center of the ring before Ricky gets the upper hand with chops in the corner. A big right drops Orton but Bob counters with a punch to the ribs. Orton goes for a piledriver but is backdropped by Steamboat. Ricky goes up to the top rope and delivers the flying crossbody for 1…2..NOOOOOO. Orton becomes the first guy ever to kick out of Steamboat’s finisher. Ricky sends Orton off the ropes and catches him with a back elbow smash. A karate chop to the head is followed by a cover for 1….2…no. Okerlund “Come on Richard, gotta hook the leg.” Orton counters with an inverted atomic drop and throws Ricky over the top rope, but Steamboat skins the cat back in. Steamboat catches Orton with a running enziguri and Orton throws himself over the rope to the floor. Orton gets back on the apron and is met with a right hand. The ref tries to stop Steamboat from attacking which allows Orton enough time to get in an eye gouge. Orton goes to superplex Steamboat outside but Ricky counters by suplexing him back in. Ricky goes for a big splash but Orton gets his knees up. Bob adjusts his cast then goes up to the top rope. Stemboat staggers into a big left forearm off the top. The ref notices Orton used the cast and calls for the bell….WOW! A classic match ends with a cheap ending. The ref raises Ricky’s arm in victory and Orton goes berserk in protest. Orton chases Ricky with the cast but Steamboat ducks under and chops him. A series of chops sends Orton retreating to the back as Steamboat stands tall in the ring. We go to the instant replay with Okerlund and Monsoon giving their two cents Outstanding showing by both guys and Orton keeps his heat despite the loss. Did this belong on a tape like this? Considering it belonged on Volume 3, it definitely belongs on Volume 6.
Time of match: 12:37

Winner: Ricky Steamboat by DQ
The credits roll with the orchestral theme and this one’s history. Before we finish we get our standard 3 previews. BEST OF THE WWF VOLUME 7, VILLAINS OF THE SQUARED CIRCLE and BRUNO SAMMARTINO: WRESTLING’S LIVING LEGEND. That was a pretty damn good tape. The TNT segments were useless but 4 of the 5 matches were special.  The action was solid even though the tape only ran 75 minutes. At least we saw the Steamboat/Orton match in its entirety after it was clipped for the tape it was previously on. The only gripe I have is that the calendar had turned to 1986 but they were still showing matches from 1985 and prior. A lot of guys from the old guard plus even from 85 such as Jimmy Snuka were gone. The tag team era was about to take place with the Killer Bees, Hart Foundation, British Bulldogs and others while newcomers like Randy Savage and Ricky Steamboat were going to match the NWA’s highly touted cast of wrestlers. The problem was none of the tag teamers were featured here. It’s a shame they couldn’t clip a tag match in there just to showcase them. Still, the tape was pretty much a sneak preview of the future with Ricky Steamboat, Randy Savage and Hogan lighting up the cards. As for this tape, 4 stars out of 5. The Valiant match didn’t really belong and the TNT skits were useless. They could have substituted the skits with another match. I still HIGHLY recommend this tape. The next tape after this will get a little tricky, instead of the next video in the main lineage, we will look at the “Collector’s Series” beginning with WWF’S GREATEST MATCHES.

Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams (WF001)

WWF’s Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams (WF001)

The one that started it all. Today there are nearly 700 tapes and DVD’s put out by WWF/E home video with material dating as far back as the 1960’s. Back in the 80’s VCR’s were sweeping the nation and Vince McMahon made the genius decision to capitalize on them by releasing a line of home videos, something new in wrestling. In 1985, he would release his product on both Betamax (think 8 tracks but for tapes) and VHS. The very first one was titled Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams and it was more or less a compilation tape of all the silly stuff that the WWF was capable of. I am unsure of the actual release date but since most of the action is from 1984 and earlier plus the tape was released before the first Wrestlemania, I’d venture a guess to say early 1985. Before I continue, that seems pretty ballsy doesn’t it? You need to hit a home run in order for fans to continue to purchase your product, then instead of presenting blow away matches/hot feuds, you begin with TNT (Tuesday Night Titans) skits and goofy moments? Anyway let’s get to it. The tape opens with a really cool intro video that comprises of the history of coliseum wrestling (the Roman one that is) before showing highlights of modern day WWF action set to a cool brass (trumpets and trombones for non music fans reading this) theme.

Gorilla Monsoon welcomes us and shills the upcoming action. He even pokes fun at himself as they show an outtake of his opening speech plus play it backwards. Then we get a short clip where on Piper’s Pit, Roddy Piper asks to compare hands with Andre the Giant. Andre says sure and slaps him upside the head. Cut to a short clip of a 10 men tag match at the Philadelphia Spectrum where one team consists of Jimmy Snuka (in the ring), Andre, Rocky Johnson, Pedro Morales and Salvatore Bellomo against Don Muraco (in the ring), “Superstar” Billy Graham, “Playboy” Buddy Rose, Ray “Crippler” Stevens and Mr. Fuji. Snuka goes to town on Muraco before tagging in Morales, Morales floors Don with a forearm to the chest and revs up the crowd before tagging in Andre. Andre shoots Muraco in the ropes then delivers a big boot that sends Don over the top rope to the floor. Stevens and Rose come over to help him back in and once inside, Muraco locks in a headlock on the giant who gets sent off the ropes and runs into the huge posterior of Andre. Muraco sells it like he took a cannon shot to the ribs. Muraco staggers to his corner and puts his hand up, Rose refuses to tag in but Stevens reluctantly does. Even though this is a short segment, its always nice to see the original “crippler” in Stevens on a WWF tape no less. He made his name in the 70’s with the AWA as half of a great tag team with Nick Bockwinkel managed by a young Bobby Heenan. Turns out the segment ends right there,

We cut to one of my favorite segments of all-time, love advice from “Classy” Freddie Blassie on Tuesday Night Titans. Before I go any further let me explain what Tuesday Night Titans was. Most wrestling shows from that era, especially the territorial ones were one sided squash matches with an occasional main event tossed in there while hyping up some house show that was coming up that Friday or whatever. Vince thought that kind of shit put fans to sleep and decided to come up with something new. Basically he completely ripped off Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show by having himself in the Carson chair with Alfred Hays playing the role of Ed McMahon (no relation to Vince). Instead of presenting wrestling matches, the show featured WWF stars doing interviews, performing in skits and doing off the wall things not seen in wrestling before. Sure it was hokey and silly but it was also revolutionary because it added to the characters of all those involved, good or bad. As Ric Flair once said, Vince couldn’t match the NWA talent for talent so he had to match with larger than life characters such as Hulk Hogan, George “The Animal” Steele and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Back to the segment, Blassie admitted in his book he and Vince Jr used to ride together because they had a lot in common including love of fast cars and loud outfits. Here Vince is in a nice suit while Blassie is in his usual lavish pink suit. Vince “Freddie you’ve always been willing to help individuals with problems.” Freddie “A lot of pencil neck geeks around here have a lot of problems, I’ll guarantee you that.” The first letter comes from a woman who claims her husband pays no attention to her until after TNT is over (nice plug). Freddie “He doesn’t pay attention to her huh? Has the woman tried taking a bath? Has she used under arm deodorant? Has she shaved her armpits, her legs? Ya goofy broad that’s what ya gotta do!” Vince tries to say the problem is TNT and Freddie counters “Maybe the sheets are dirty.” Next question has a woman that complains that her husband is performing moves on her after watching WWF. Do Not Try This At Home didn’t debut for over a decade so fans had carte blanche to do what they wanted back then. Vince “His superfly Snuka leap off the top of the dresser is too much.” At this point Freddie, Vince and the cameraman all break character briefly to laugh at the hilariousness of that statement. “What about practicing holds on her, Mr. Blassie?” Freddie “Oh yeah, my second wife I used to practice strangleholds on her all the time.” Vince starts laughing for real. Freddie “Some of these broads need to be kicked around.” He spits on the floor as Vince tries to go back in babyface announcer mode “Mr Blassie please.” Freddie “Ya know I used to write a column for Hollywood News Gazette! I taught that dear Aby (he says A-Bee) and Ann Flanders! Don’t ya know anything?” Next letter Vince laughs as he reads a 60 year old woman has limited experience with men but has nice legs, a firm waist and a burning desire to date a wrestler. Vince asks Freddie if he has any suggestions on who to date buts cuts him off saying she’s 60. Freddie was no stranger to women at his advancing age so he says age doesn’t matter. Vince asks him if he has any wrestlers in mind willing to date a 60 year old and Blassie lists Sgt Slaughter, Tito Santana, Hulk Hogan and Tonga Kid. Vince scoffs saying Tonga Kid is only 18 years old and Blassie’s response “Good, he’s got a lot of life in him. It’ll be good for the old lady!” The camera man starts laughing again as the segment ends right there. I could watch those two in that capacity all day but its time to move on.

Monsoon rejoins us for a vanity segment, huh? Monsoon talks about hair loss and how it affects wrestlers. We cut to a squash match where “Iron” Mike Sharpe (with Lou Albano outside) beats on jobber Steve Grey. Sharpe grabs Grey by the hair and rams his head on the buckle which such force, Grey’s hair falls off. He was wearing a toupee inside the ring, smart huh? Sharpe throws Grey to the outside and taunts him with his own hairpiece as the segment ends there before Captain Lou has a chance to pound on the poor, bald jobber.

Next we go to a TNT segment where Freddie Blassie tries to hype up Tiger Chung Lee as a badass by having him break breaks with karate chops. Only problem is Lee can’t break anything. Vince turns his back and laughs as even Blassie tries to save face by uttering gibberish (he claimed in his book that back then managers had to at least pretend they knew the language of their wrestler) as Lee continues to struggle to break the bricks. Monsoon claims he bought the bricks himself and had them loaded with steel but the fact was Lee was exposed as a fraud on national television. No wonder he didn’t last.

Next up is Captain Lou Albano. Monsoon refers to him as the greatest walking advertisement for birth control. We go to a segment on TNT where Vince is wearing a piss-yellow suit while Lou rants and raves in his Hawaiian shirt. Lou claims he’s got an IQ of 901.73. At this point I realize if I quote everything this review will take forever so from here on I’ll quote only the funniest while giving a brief synopsis of the segments.

We go to a posedown held in what looks to be a lounge between Paul Orndorff and Tony Atlas. Vince is your MC wearing a red suit sitting at a table with Renee Goulet who is sipping a cocktail and looking bored. Atlas poses first to the Coliseum Video theme before Orndorff comes out and poses to the same theme. Both have killer physiques but Atlas gets the duke due to being a babyface. Paul protests then clobbers Atlas in the back, sending him crashing into what appears to be The Spoiler’s table. A tall guy in a mask tries to break apart Orndorff and Atlas and just for namesake I’ll call him The Spoiler. Spoiler and Vince lead Orndorff out the side door while Atlas stands there flustered.

Monsoon says life on the road can be lonely and sends us to Iron Sheik’s haram party on TNT with Vince hosting in the gray suit. Sheik stands by an actual live camel wearing his actual 1971 AAU wrestling champion medal he won in the 180 pound division as well as his turban and loud shirt. The one hilarious quote is he claims the camel is better looking than Sgt Slaughter. Alfred Hays is brought in to analyze the animal as Sheik continues to run down Slaughter. Vince makes a goof and both he and Sheik laugh at Vince’s expense before Sheik continues to rant. Vince asks Sheik what the camels name is and at first he speaks a long name in farci. Vince asks for the translation and Sheik answers “Claude”. All 3 men share a laugh which makes me laugh because Sheik’s supposed to be a heel yet everyone’s having fun here. Vince notices Alfred standing by the camel’s ass and asks if there’s any action back there. To save time I’ll skip the rest and move on.

Monsoon blows the ending of the next segment which has Freddie Blassie, Friday (the original Kim Chee) and a dancing chicken on TNT, yes of course I’m serious. Vince is wearing the beige suit as Blassie is in his blue sequined suit. The camera pans to the chicken just as it takes a shit, which adds to the hilarity. Vince notices and lets Blassie know. Kamala comes out to check out the chicken as Vince asks what’s going on. Freddie announces that the chicken will perform a disappearing act as Kamala will eat him alive, causing Vince to protest. Kamala goes after the chicken and the camera cuts away only to return to Kamala eating an obviously cooked chicken. I’m sure Vince used the camera cut to get the real chicken out of there before PETA showed up.

Monsoon cuts to an actual wrestling match for once….only its midgets. The Haiti Kid takes on Danny Carpenter in a hilarious midget match. I say it’s hilarious because back then it was legitimately funny before the antics became redundant in the following 10 years.

Ivan Putski teaches women and Vince (wearing a gray plaid overcoat and blue pants) how to polka. Vince may or may not be dancing with Linda, it kind of looks like her but I’m not sure. Either way they’re all having a merry ol time with a legitimate polka band performing in the back. The Crusher and Dick The Bruiser should be there but they’re in the AWA and couldn’t make it.

WWF champion Hulk Hogan finally makes his (and shockingly only) appearance on the August 24, 1984 edition of Tuesday Night Titans making protein shakes for Vince and Alfred to try. Vince tries it and he likes it but when “Awful” Alfred tries it, he promptly throws up. Next!

Back to TNT where it’s Captain Lou’s turn to give love advice. The first letter says her husband is from the old world and doesn’t wear deodorant, which stinks her out. Lou says that’s fine and what she has to do is mix rubbing alcohol, olive oil, witch hazel and shaving lotion then rub it on him to get rid of the stench. Lou says he doesn’t wear deodorant because he doesn’t smell then laughs at himself. Heh, couldn’t even keep a straight face on that one. If you notice a pattern developing is that nobody is taking any of this shit seriously. Heels and faces alike are laughing at themselves and even Vince is laughing along with them rather than at them. The next letter says her husband is too fat and Albano says he can’t stand fat people. Vince asks what he classifies himself as and Lou claims he’s not fat, its an optical illusion. Lou then rants about fat people which I can’t type out to give the rant true justice, have to see it to appreciate it. The next letter says her husband never takes her cowboy boots off and Lou says he’s going to give the Aerosol companies a lot of business.

Cut to Afa and Sika, former 3 time WWF tag team champions The Wild Samoans who’s cooking up quite a feast for Vince and Alfred. Alfred compares the odor of the cooking to the bubonic plague. Vince asks what’s cookin’ and the Samoans answer in their native tongue. They then bring out a huge mackerel, analyze it then put it in the cooking pot. Alfred comes over and is grossed out as they dissect a squid or something. Vince asks the Samoans to offer a sample to Alfred who reluctantly takes a bite. His facial expression says it all. Back on the set, Afa and Sika enjoy their meal as Alfred and Vince wonder what exactly they are eating. Vince orders Alfred to get the recipe for the home viewers later.

Monsoon shills the next segment as the most hilarious blooper. The famous WWF tag team championship match between “Soulman” Rocky Johnson and “Mr USA” Tony Atlas vs The Wild Samoans on November 15, 1983. Finally some wrestling. To keep this review short the blooper is the ref takes a bump which has Lou Albano interfering with a wooden chair. He goes to clock Atlas with it but Tony moves and Afa takes the chair to the head, which gets stuck on him as he falls backward. Atlas makes the cover as the ref revives and Johnson/Atlas are your new champions. Watching in a New York bar that night was an 18 year old college freshman named Mick Foley. Also watching was Rocky Johnson’s 11 year old son Dwayne. Wonder what became of Mick and Dwayne…. Anyway, we go to another TNT segment where Vince questions Lou about what went down during the tag match. Albano blames the Samoans and not himself for costing them the match, ha.

Salvatore Bellomo makes an appearance on TNT to cook pizza for Vince and Alfred. Again, Salvatore was a bonafide jobber to the heels in his WWF career but he was featured on these shows to at least attempt to get him over. This was the one thing the AWA and NWA lacked because their mid-carders were told to keep their mouths shut and do what they were told while WWF guys were told to do whatever the heck they wanted in order to get over and draw money. Anyway Bellomo, Vince and Alfred don ridiculous chefs hats as Salvatore prepares the pizza. Vince “There’s a bit of powder on your nose Alfred, not the first time I’ve seen THAT.” Holy shit that was cutting edge and this was 1984!

Now we go to former tag team champions Adrian Adonis and Dick Murdoch on a road trip for the September 25, 1984 Tuesday Night Titans. This was an interesting combination as Dick was the redneck rebel from Texas while Adonis was the New York street thug. They visit the Texas ranches first with Adonis attempting to get on a horse only to fall off. Then “Mean” Gene Okerlund joins Adonis (wearing a Nike t-shirt) and Murdoch as they walk the streets of New York City. Adrian runs into “old friends” hanging out before showing an open fire hydrant and saying that’s his old shower. A mangy red dog shows up and Adonis plays with it as Dick marvels at the city. The trio stops by a hot dog stand where lunch is on Adrian. Okerlund asks the vendor what kind of dogs they are and the vendor clearly can’t speak English. Murdoch orders a dog with mustard on it and takes a bite, he liked it apparently. He then shoves it into Adrian’s mouth who mumbles before Okerlund says time to go and he’s not picking up the tab. Cheapskate!

Monsoon then shows us a highlight package which is just the opening montage out of order with a flew other clips thrown in. Least they tried to something a little different.

Now it’s “Luscious” Johnny Valiant’s turn for love advice on TNT. The first letter says that her husband’s physique pales in comparison to WWF wrestlers and she has no idea what to do. Johnny V at first misunderstands the phrase but then says “Quit lookin over your guys shoulder. Quit lookin at the guy cutting the grass or the guy hitchhiking on the turnpike!” Next letter is from a guy who says he put a wrestling mask on his wife during playtime and it made things better. Johnny “Depending on who I was with I woulda done that myself!” The next letter is from a rich, attractive woman who has a fetish for ugly men (who the hell wrote THAT one?) and asks if any WWF superstar matches the criteria. Johnny answers Hulk Hogan and hypes up Brutus Beefcake as the ultimate ladies man. V then rattles off Tito Santana, Junkyard Dog and Sgt Slaughter as uglies and makes the comment “I heard that Slaughter wrote to the lonely hearts club and he got a letter back saying they weren’t THAT lonely”. The next letter is a guy who has a fantasy of being in a 16-20 man battle royal. Johnny asks what kind of health insurance the guy has for wanting to be in such a dangerous environment. He gets cut off as we go back to Monsoon.
Next up is Andre The Giant who cracks a joke comparing “Big” John Studd to Sky Low Low (the midget legend) and then reveals all his clothes are custom made in Japan except his boots which come from Texas. Andre then covers Alfred’s head with his hand to show how massive he is. Andre then sings The Fish Song which he picked up on his last tour in Japan. He’s got a legit reggae band as he pretends to swim like a fish.

Roddy Piper makes his appearance and he’s got Captain Lou with him on Piper’s Pit. Lou marvels at the gold record Girls Just Wanna Have Fun turned into then promises to bring Cindy Lauper on a future episode of the Pit. The scene cuts to Cindy on the set where Lou comes in and takes credit for all her success, which pisses her off. Lou tells her to shut up and says all women are slime. Piper backs up Albano and they both get in her face. Lou calls her a broad and she flips, literally, flipping over the table then attacking Lou and Piper. David Wolff himself runs out to save Cindy. The fact Lou was the one who began the Rock N Wrestling Connection cannot be overstated. For those that don’t know, Albano and Cindy Lauper just happened to be riding on the same plane together and from that, they struck up a friendship. This included Albano making a cameo in Lauper’s famous video Girls Just Wanna Have Fun as her “father”. What this led to was a WWF/MTV crossover that drew A LOT of money. Sure Hogan ruled the wrestling world in 1984 but he didn’t have the proper mainstream appeal until he appeared with the others on MTV in 1985. When MTV aired Brawl To End It All and War To Settle The Score, now WWF were pulling in casual fans as well as wrestling fans. So now with Piper established as MTV and WWF’s number one heel, the first Wrestlemania came to fruition. All this because Captain Lou just happened to be on a plane with Cindy.

Another “bodyslams” montage only they use the orchestral ending theme from the end of the early Coliseum Videos.

Up last was a legendary, lengthy segment where Paul “Butcher” Vachon’s wedding would be televised. The recently departed Maurice “Mad Dog” Vachon was an AWA legend and a certifiable mad man in the business. His younger brother Paul was equally insane and the duo ran roughshod over Canadian and American territories in the 60’s and 70’s. It should be noted that legendary women’s wrestler Luna Vachon is actually Paul’s adopted daughter, not Mad Dog’s. The segment begins with Vince interviewing a fan outside and asking what the woman looks like if she’s going to marry Butcher, the fan points to his dog which makes Vince laugh. Inside the reception is nearly every heel on the roster with Vince and Alfred hosting. I see Afa, Sika, Junior (Afa’s 19 year old son who would eventually become Headshrinker Fatu, The Sultan and Rikishi), George Steele, Fabulous Moolah, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, “Dr D” Dave Schultz, Sky Low Low, Howard Finkel, Freddie Blassie and Lou Albano all enjoying the festivities. We start with the gift opening and the first one is a box of rubber bands graciously donated by Captain Lou. The next give is a pair of glasses donated by Freddie Blassie who runs down Paul saying the ring on her finger was the same one on the first 5 wives he’s had (a lie but a hilarious one). “Why don’t ya buy her some real diamonds ya cheapskate!” Vince looks around for someone to make a toast and he settles on George “The Animal” Steele. Figures, the one guy who couldn’t talk. The heel cheers him on and after working the crowd he shouts “perpendicular!!” as Albano cheers. Vince looks disgusted as Albano grabs the mic and starts ranting and raving. Albano shills his Samoan stable then toasts “Open your teeth, open your gums, lookout stomach here it comes!” Vince goes to interview Howard but Albano comes over again “I got a girl who lives on a hill, she won’t but her sister will!” The Body wants to say a few words “The scum always rises to the top of the water.” Ooooook. Sky Low Low is next. He basically runs down Albano for talking too much and says “What the hell do you want, a toaster?” The French Canadian born Sky Low Low was one of the best midget wrestlers ever with a physique second to none. Most midgets didn’t live past 50 and he was 56 at the time of this wedding to give an idea how good a shape he was in. Albano swears at him in Italian as Low Low fires back in his French much to Sika’s delight. Blassie comes over to antagonize Low Low before things get settled. Vince goes over to “Dr. D” Dave Schultz who is bleeped out while running down everyone in the room. Guess he must have said something more suitable for the Attitude Era. Paul and his wife dance by themselves as Albano continuously burps into the microphone causing Ventura to crack up. Albano then goes over to sing a few bars before removing his shirt much to Vince’s disgust. George kisses Paul much to his dismay. Albano then threatens to moon Vince who tells the camera to cut away. Once action resumes the wife is dancing with Low Low…and pretty good too. Albano counters by dancing with Low Low’s date/gf/wife/whatever then Mad Dog gets on the dance floor with Moolah. The dancing of Albano and the midget lady causes Blassie to crack up laughing. Next, Albano and the Samoans attempt to sing before bringing Low Low to sing with them. Fatu looks to be having a blast as Albano pours what’s left of his beer can down the back of Low Low’s pants. We then cut to the dessert where the wife refuses to eat the customary first piece of cake so a grumpy Dr. D shows up and shoves a pie in her face. Albano then nails Low Low in the head with a pie as Paul laughs at the display of slapstick. A pie fight develops with Alfred getting nailed by Dr D. Schultz nails Vince himself in the face. Vince grabs a pie and nails George Steele with it. A slapstick pie fight envelops with champagne being sprayed as well. Blassie appears to have survived the pies but a sneaky Ventura dumps a can of something on him. That was something else and a lot of fun to watch.

We end the tape with two montages, one of what we just saw and the second being the customary ending orchestral theme. Before we sign off we get a previews for BEST OF THE WWF VOLUME 2, ANDRE THE GIANT and MOST UNUSUAL MATCHES…..guess the first 4 tapes (including this one) were released together and those 3 were released together as well. As for this….wow. What a way to make your debut huh? As a standalone tape I thought it was entertaining. Remember this was the beginning of Vince Jr’s takeover of the wrestling world which added entertainment on top of wrestling. I’ll say this though; most of the skits were fun to watch especially with ¾ of the tape involving the heels. Not only that but Hogan only appeared briefly and he was the world champion. If you’re looking for important, blow away matches then look elsewhere. If you’re looking to have 70 minutes of fun then this one’s for you. I’ll give it 4 out of 5 stars just because it was an outrageous way to make your home video debut. A point off for the simple fact it’s a bloopers tape with little in ring action. The next tape in line is HULKAMANIA so we’ll pick up there.